It’s always a terrible blow when you suspect or realize that your partner is seeing someone else. Maybe it’s just at the texting stage, maybe you’ve checked their phone and have proof. Now, you’re wondering if you should confront the other woman. This is a delicate and tough spot to be in, and there’s much to consider before you take the drastic step. Acknowledging “Another woman is pursuing my husband” is never easy. Deciding whether or not you should confront the other woman only brings up more questions. What does it mean for your relationship? How do you show up in this equation? What does it say about you that you want to talk to this other woman? And most importantly, “How to stop the other woman from contacting my husband?” We’re not promising easy solutions, but because it’s always comforting to have an expert opinion, we asked psychologist Nandita Rambhia (MSc, Psychology), who specializes in CBT, REBT, and couples counseling, for some insights into how to handle these questions without losing your mind and your dignity.
Is It A Good Idea To Confront The Other Woman?
In most cases, it might not be a good idea to confront the other woman because rarely will it result in making you feel better about yourself or your relationship. You are saying, “My husband lied to me about texting another woman for over a year.” Well, as you discover this bitter truth, being overly emotional and wanting to see this person is absolutely justifiable. Deep down you really want to know what alluring quality she has that you don’t. And that’s your first mistake. Your partner didn’t go out there and started cheating because you are lacking something. It’s not you, it’s always them. And even if there’s something fundamentally wrong in the relationship, you have to solve that within the four walls instead of blaming an outsider. Remember, your partner was just as much involved in it as that woman. If you must have a painful and uncomfortable red flag conversation, it might be a better idea to have it with your partner. Even if it’s a married woman texting another man, leaping to blame and confronting her isn’t the best idea. The meeting will lower your self-esteem even further as you won’t be able to stop comparing yourself to her. And the details of your husband’s relationship with another woman will be hard to endure. Nandita points out that while in some cases, it might be unavoidable to make contact with the other woman, choosing to do so as a possible solution to a fractured relationship will not work. “The other woman is only part of the problem, but not the root,” she says. On top of that, when your husband finds out about you going to see his affair partner, it can shatter your entire relationship and ruin any chances left for rebuilding the marriage after infidelity. However, if you’re still wondering whether or not to confront the other woman, read on for more tips to help you make up your mind in what is sure to be a tricky situation. Speaking on the matter, clinical psychologist Devaleena Ghosh previously told Bonobology, “The worst part of this strategy is that you contact this person in search of full clarity. And there is no guarantee that you can actually get that. What if the person lies to your face?”
Should I Confront The Woman My Husband Is Texting? 6 Expert Tips To Help You Decide
A husband sending inappropriate text messages to another woman could certainly be a sign that your marriage is over. On the other hand, it might be the manifestation of problems that exist in your marriage already, the ones you and your partner can choose to work out. Either way, the question, “Should I confront the woman my husband is texting?”, has no easy answer. Going down that road is just as tough as steering clear of it. So, with Nandita’s help, we’ve rounded up tips to help you make an informed decision.
1. Get your facts straight
We can’t stress this enough – your suspicions about your husband messaging another woman don’t make you hysterical or paranoid, and it’s absolutely all right to want to act on your perceptions. But, given that it’s such a fraught situation already, it is imperative that you have your facts in place. “This is a sensitive situation and a confusing place to be in. It is easy to operate from a place of “I have been wronged and must act immediately”. In our desperation of catching a cheating partner, we try and find out what our partner has been doing, where, and with whom, and then we form our judgments. In this situation, it’s very important to differentiate between acting based on some snippets of information and focusing on actual facts. “You know that your partner is texting someone, but before you confront the other woman, you need to figure out the nature of the relationship. Is it just text-based, has it gone further, is she a married woman texting another man and flirting? It’s important to be sure that something is genuinely going on and your partner has cheated on you in some way or the other,” says Nandita. Remember, these are painful facts to face, if indeed your speculation “My husband is emotionally attached to another woman” is true. But you need to be sure before you confront the other woman. Also, ask yourself, will you be able to take the additional information or emotional manipulation that might come from this woman?
2. Decide if it’s wiser to confront your husband first
“It’s tempting to want to confront the other woman because we’re wired to believe the best of our loved ones and assume that it’s the third person who is at fault and is disrupting your otherwise perfect relationship. I would say take a major pause before rushing out to confront the other woman. “Remember, your relationship is primarily with your partner, so it is better to talk to them first. Let them talk, explain their side, and air their thoughts out. You must sort things out and figure out where you two stand in your relationship and what this exact episode means for you as a couple,” says Nandita. The world is full of people, and a third, fourth and fifth person could come into your relationship at any given time. The point, Nandita says, is that your partner has responded to this person, which means you should hold your partner accountable in the first place. A good bout of talk therapy could be just what you need. Again, none of these conversations with your partner will be easy. But trust us, it’s better than going over scenarios in your head and wondering if any of them are true. You keep thinking “Another woman is pursuing my husband” and “My husband sent pictures to another woman”, driving yourself to exhaustion. Talk it out instead – you don’t need to shoulder the burden alone.
3. Confronting the other woman won’t heal an already damaged relationship
“We’d been married three years when I realized that my husband is emotionally attached to another woman,” says Jean, our reader from Los Angeles, “My first instinct was, “Should I confront the woman my husband is texting?”, and then, “How do I stop the other woman from contacting my husband?” And I really wanted to because I thought once I confronted her, it would heal my relationship.” Jean later realized that she and her husband had already grown apart and barely knew each other anymore. “We hardly spoke – we were like two strangers sharing a home. This other woman was simply a symptom, but not the main cause,” she says, “I ended my marriage finally, and honestly, I’m glad I didn’t confront the other woman because it wouldn’t have resolved anything. It was an unhealthy relationship already and while I don’t appreciate that he was involved with someone else, I’m glad I didn’t make it my problem. She was also a married woman texting another man, so she clearly had her own problems.” It’s easy to blame a third person for all your relationship issues, to say that your marriage is perfectly healthy if only that other woman would go away. But take a long, hard look at your marriage. Are there problems that already exist even without that pesky other woman your husband keeps texting? If so, no amount of confrontation will fix it.
4. Figure out what you’re hoping to gain from the confrontation
What is it about confronting the woman to whom your husband is sending inappropriate text messages? What do you think will happen after you confront her? Are you trying to get revenge? Are you simply curious? Will it help you or your relationship in the long run? Or, are you trying to decide when to walk away after infidelity? “In many cases, you could just be hoping for some kind of an ego massage. Or it might make you feel a little better or maybe you hope that just by scaring the other woman, you can make her go away from your partner’s life and your relationship could go back to being normal. It’s usually a mixture of revenge and curiosity that drives us to confront the other woman, but it could easily turn into a disadvantage for you, especially if you don’t know the whole story. It’s wise to be wary in such cases,” says Nandita. We understand that it may be hard for you to get rid of thoughts like “My husband lied to me about texting another woman” or “My husband is emotionally attached to another woman”. Yes, the simplest solution to all of this seems to be to confront this other woman. But, what’s your motive here? Are you really trying to repair your marriage, or just hoping to get a closer look at someone he seems to prefer? And is it worth it?
5. Consider your alternatives. Is there another way to get the truth?
With a husband sending inappropriate text messages, it’s easy to rush to conclusions and immediately think of all the things you’d like to say and do to the other woman. Stop for a minute and consider your alternatives. Rather than taking the frankly painful and awkward step of confronting the other woman, what else can you do? “My husband sent pictures to another woman, and they had been texting for a while. I knew it and had been contemplating, should I confront the woman my husband is texting or not,” says Shelby, a 35-year-old businesswoman from New York, who later decided not to. “I talked to my husband instead. He admitted to the infidelity – the woman was also a married woman texting another man. We talked about an open marriage, because honestly, while I loved him, I wasn’t feeling the marriage so much either. It’s been a year, and we’re finding our way into a marriage that suits us both. Had I confronted the other woman, things would have ended very differently,” she adds. Now, don’t assume that every time your partner partakes in physical and/or emotional cheating, it means they want an open marriage. It is entirely possible that it was an indiscretion you both can move past, or that it’s a sign your marriage no longer works and it’s time to end it.
6. If you do make contact with the other woman, keep your cool
“Maybe there are situations where you need to make contact with the other woman. If she’s a relative or a close friend or colleague, she is then a part of your inner circle and you can’t avoid her. In such cases, you will keep meeting or bumping into her often. Now, it can become extremely awkward. In such situations, it makes sense if you have a talk with this person. “I advise you to not make it a hostile confrontation. But it is important to address it and let this other woman know about everything that you are going through and the trauma that you are facing because of whatever is happening between her and your partner. This is important because you might be meeting this person quite often and therefore, it’s always better to put all your cards on the table,” says Nandita. “The thing to remember here is to remain completely calm, keep a cool head and be clear and articulate when you voice your feelings and thoughts. Also, see if there is any kind of remorse from the other person or if she is making an effort to be at all empathetic toward you or not. Once you know the kind of response you get, you will have a clearer picture of whether or not you would want to interact with this person anymore,” she concludes.
Our Verdict
A husband messaging another woman is never a pleasant thing to handle, and again, your first instinct could be to yell, “Stop texting my husband!”, at the other woman. And then, before you know it, you’re frantically asking yourself or texting your friends, “Should I confront the woman my husband is texting?” There are no easy answers here, but your dignity and sense of self-respect need to come first. Whether you confront the other woman or not, have a clear-eyed view of what it means for you and your relationship, what you’re prepared to lose, and how you will handle it. Dishonesty in a relationship never helps, so be honest with yourself and demand the same from your partner. “In cases, if the third person is someone you don’t know, I would strongly advise that you just keep them as a stranger. The reason is that if you don’t solve things between you and your partner, it won’t matter how the confrontation with this person goes. You can get rid of this particular third person, but they can be easily replaced in your partner’s life, especially during a midlife crisis, because the issues in your relationship remain intact. “Your partner has allowed this other woman to come into your relationship. Now you need to figure out the reasons why this has happened. You need to be very honest with yourselves and each other, work on your own relationship and figure out where things can be mended for the better after you discover your husband is talking to another woman,” says Nandita. Once you’ve met the other woman, it would be almost impossible to forget her and we wouldn’t advise such confrontations unless it’s a truly unique situation. Plus, there is no assurance that the other woman would spill the exact truth that you want to hear. On top of that, your husband may react negatively knowing you have gone behind his back. So, assess the pros and cons of this complicated situation before meeting this woman, and keep your head held high, no matter what you decide.
